HED: HomeHardware
DEK: Bored while waiting for your water to boil? Too much money making your wallet thick? Desperate for a status symbol? Check out these furnishings for those of you who, unlike me, have finished paying off your student loans.

LG Internet Refrigerator
$7,999US
(www.lgappliances.com)
Those highly motivated engineers at LG have produced the perfect refrigerator for the bored-and-insanely-rich community out there, that includes everything but the kitchen sink – which it’s right next to it anyway. Gosh, you’re demanding! This gorgeous, titanium, 26-cubic feet Internet Refrigerator is equipped with a 15.1” touch-screen which you use to surf the internet, watch TV, listen to music, browse your photo album, write memos, schedule your calendar and access a recipe database. Oh, and you can even use it to store your perishable goods! Yowza!

When LG takes over the world, or your humble abode, this fridge will become the central hub of the LG Home Network wherein all of your major appliances will be connected to each other and your Friendster account. The fridge, being the one appliance that’s on 24/7, will control your microwave oven, air conditioner, and washer and dryer, therefore alleviating the immense burden of turning your body around to manually hit the “on” button of the microwave yourself. What are we, Neanderthals?

You’ll also be able to control your appliances via the Internet from a remote location, allowing you the convenience of starting the air conditioner on your commute home, or making sure the washer stops dry-humping the poor, defenseless dryer.

Digi-Frame 17” Digital Picture Frame
$1,999US
(www.digi-frame.com)
Can your photo album hold over 10,000 images? Does it play movies? How about music? No? Well what're you waiting for, kick that lazy ragamuffin to the curb! The powerhouse Digi-Frame can store 10 gigabytes of images, video, and MP3’s that you simply upload via memory cards, cd-rom, WI-FI or an Ethernet connection. It also comes with a remote control so you’ll still have one hand free to masturbate yourself to sleep. I use both!

Dell 30" W3000 LCD TV/ Monitor
$5,097CDN
(www.dell.ca)
Ideal for table top or wall mounted set-up, the sleekest, sexiest gadget you’ll ever own will save you space by consolidating your computer, television set and gaming system into one unit. You can also view the multiple sources simultaneously by using Picture-In-Picture, and his smarmy newborn cousins, Picture-Out-Picture and Picture-By-Picture. The W3000 also boasts HDTV technology, detachable 15-watt speakers, a 180 degree viewing angle and a remote control so you’ll still have one hand free to masturbate yourself to sleep. I use both!

La Scala Jacuzzi
$29,870US
(www.jacuzzi.com)
French for The Scala, this is one jacuzzi you won’t mind throwing a hairdryer into and dying a horrible death as thousands of volts course through your convulsing body. A 43” high definition flat screen TV, DVD and CD player will guarantee that you won’t emerge until your body’s more prunier than a wrinkly 90-year old man eating prunes at a prune-eating contest. To further help you achieve nirvana, it's also equipped with dual ergonomic loungers, 10 fully adjustable massage jets and a floating, waterproof remote control so you’ll still have one hand free to masturbate yourself to sleep. I use both!