SLUG: guy talk
HED: What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
DEK: Winning your boyfriend’s love is only half the battle. The other half is winning us – his friends – the people he’s spent most of his drunken hours with before you came along. Appease us and we’ll help your relationship to live long and prosper. Piss us off and, well, your life won't change but we'll make sure your boyfriend's is hell. Find out how we perceive you by taking this quiz.
BYLINE: By Alexander Joo

Ideal date:
a) A pub with a dartboard in the back and a fist fight out front
b) “I dunno, what do you wanna do?”
c) Pre-drinks at a lounge, three clubs, a house party, two more clubs, and an after-hours venue until the sun comes up
d) Finding Nemo and a not-so-quick stopover at Morning Glory to buy a card telling him Really thanks for starful night, you are rainbow shoe to my ventricle!
e) Nursing orphaned kittens at the local shelter
f) Tugging on his leash in public, so everyone knows you're the boss
g) A moderately priced restaurant where you order the chicken instead of lobster, followed by sex in the restroom

Wardrobe:
a) Faded Wranglers and a West Coast Choppers tee
b) An ensemble of what he thinks you should wear
c) Heels higher than Method Man
d) A pink purse with fluorescent jewelry
e) A white tank top with the strap intertwined with that of your baby blue bra
f) Black on black…on black
g) Myriad of styles, from sporty to sophisticated to sinless to slutty

Drink of choice:
a) Domestic beer and tequila shots
b) Water – you’re his all-time designated driver
c) $12 martinis
d) Bubble tea
e) Freshly squeezed fruit juice
f) Jack Daniel’s, neat
g) Two cocktails – you’re a cheap drunk

Favourite meal:
a) Anything that can be supersized
b) “I dunno, what do you wanna eat?”
c) Sugar-free liquids
d) One that comes with a toy to hang on your rearview
e) Your very own homemade chicken potpie
f) Your boyfriend’s dignity, with a heaping side of his self-respect
g) 15-piece KFC Mega Meal

Friday nights you:
a) Play a few rounds of basketball followed by a few rounds of Heineken
b) Ask your boyfriend what you feel like doing tonight
c) Fight off the advances of leery men, but not before scoring a free Manhattan first
d) Sing Britney’s “Lucky” at karaoke with sparkles in your hair
e) Sit on your porch swing with a glass of Chardonnay while reading an Oprah Pick
f) Tell your boyfriend that he needs to change, or else
g) Gush to your girlfriends about how great your boyfriend is in bed

Monday mornings you:
a) Have an enormous hangover.
b) Weep quietly as he leaves for work because you won’t see him for the next eight hours
c) Wake up with hair so perfect that your friends hate you for it
d) Snuggle for a few extra minutes with your oversized Keroppi pillow
e) Wake up to birds chirping on your windowsill
f) Phone your boyfriend to remind him that he needs to change, or else
g) Wake up bright and early to cook three eggs over easy, hash browns, toast and sausage links for the boyfriend because, gosh darn it, he deserves it

After a bad day you:
a) Drink to relieve your depression
b) Try talking to him but he has bigger problems because that Grant Hill guy is injured again
c) Put on something tight and break hearts to raise your self-worth
d) Cover your face with your bangs and pour your heart out to your oversized Keroppi pillow
e) Curl up on the couch with a tub of yogurt to watch Notting Hill
f) “Nothing’s wrong, why the hell would anything be wrong? Screw you, get off my back, I’m fine, leave me alone, screw you!”
g) Make angry, ferocious love with Metallica playing in the background

After a good day you:
a) Drink to celebrate
b) Buy him dinner to celebrate
c) Put on something tight and break hearts to raise your self-worth
d) Wear pink and take sticker pictures
e) Radiate a rosy glow and make people feel better just by passing them on the street
f) Let your boyfriend hang with his friends for a few hours
g) Make sweet, heavenly love with Mazzy Star playing in the background

Celebrity persona most likened to:
a) Sarah Silverman/Janeane Garafalo
b) Milhouse van Houten
c) Paris Hilton
d) Mandy Moore
e) Jennifer Love Hewitt
f) That really sassy girl in My Sassy Girl
g) Cameron Diaz

Scoring:

If you answered mostly As:
Congratulations, you’re a Guy’s Girl!
You're laid-back and you laugh at our crude, lowbrow jokes. In a nutshell, we think you're great! We love hanging out with you, therefore alleviating enormous stress from your boyfriend’s life. Though take heed that there are still gender lines you mustn’t cross – unlike that of a male, we think female farts are just frickin' gross.

If you answered mostly Bs:
Congratulations, you’re a Doormat!
You may think of yourself as easy-going but we think you’re more spineless than Christopher Reeves. Change our minds by slapping your guy in the face or kicking him in the kidneys for no apparent reason – and refrain from begging for forgiveness afterwards. The way to our hearts is through random acts of callous violence.

If you answered mostly C’s:
Congratulations, you’re a Trophy!
Though we hate seeing him with his considerably elevated ego, we adore you anyway because, fact is, you’re scorching hot and you introduce us to your tall, leather pants- and mesh shirt-wearing girlfriends. You sometimes treat your man like shit, but we'll gladly take your side – especially when your red thong's all exposed like that.

If you answered mostly D’s:
Congratulations, you're Insufferably Cute!
Right now we're tormenting your boyfriend by either a) stuffing his throat with Hello Kitty paraphernalia, or b) accusing him of being a pedophile. One of these days he’s going to a) tire of swallowing his own vomit, or b) want to date a grown-up.

If you answered mostly E’s:
Congratulations, you’re The Girl Next Door!
You seem innocent and naïve on the outside, but you emanate a naughty vibe that just drives us absolutely nuts. You seem to not know – or care – how much your fitted velour pants affect people, and this makes you that much more desirable. We masturbate to thoughts of you masturbating, then feel really guilty about it when we finish.

If you answered mostly F’s:
Congratulations, you’re a Fucking’ Psycho!
Either you’ve stolen him away from us or you’ve changed him so drastically that we don’t recognize our ol’ pal anymore. He is now known as “Pusse von Whippenheimer,” and you simply as “Das Bitsch” because foreign accents are fun! You constantly tell people that you're not like other girls and you scream obscenities at The Bachelor. You don't like us, but more importantly, we don't like you.

If you answered mostly G’s:
Congratulations, you’re Absolutely Perfect!
You’re a hybrid of all of the above, but your secret ingredient is two scoops of self-assurance, which cuts out all of the unnecessary melodrama of the garden-variety relationship. You’re one of the boys with us and a sultry sex kitten when it’s just the two of you. In fact, you’re much too good for him and should really think about giving me a call sometime. That’s if you really existed.

Alexander Joo would like you to know that he’s addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic? And he loves what you do, but you know that you’re toxic.