The Tuxedo
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for action violence, sexual content and language
96 minutes

Cab driver Jimmy Tong (Jackie Chan) lands a new gig as a chauffeur to super spy Clark Devlin (Jason Issacs), who falls victim to a skateboard-bomb thus plunging him into coma and Jackie into a shitty movie. Paltry laughs ensue as he dons Devlin’s tuxedo, modified with more gadgetry than your cousin’s Civic, and experiments with its extraordinary functions. Enter Jennifer Love Hewitt as Del Blaine, a CIA-type scientist whose breasts surprisingly couldn’t even save this movie. And have you seen those things? They’re incredible.

Sadly, the entertaining Jackie Chan scenes you’d expect are scarce, as a clumsily delivered plotline involving the evil monopoly of the world’s bottled water industry plays interference. Jackie Chan is fun when he gets hurt; he did not get hurt in this movie. Jennifer Love Hewitt is fun when she wears a tank top; she did not wear a tank top in this movie. It’s like walking into a monkey whorehouse without a bag of bananas---a waste of what could’ve been a potentially thrilling adventure.

The dialogue was unforgivably asinine, as even this lowly magazine writer could’ve written something less tacky. Hewitt whines throughout the entire film with a high-pitched squawk more annoying than that of a Korean girlfriend. Another incoherent individual, The Godfather of Soul James Brown, makes a cameo appearance but makes his exit before showing off those flying feet of his.

Though the biggest mistake this movie made was to concentrate on special effects rather than Chan’s own superb natural ability to kick ass and take names. This movie didn’t need his specific talents, which likely means he shouldn’t have made it.

As a lover of formulaic Hollywood flicks, I walked into the theatre with the expectation of being mildly entertained with flashy kicks and even flashier cleavage. But the Tuxedo failed to hold my interest, as trying to adjust my crotch without public notice proved to be more of entertainment. If you still insist on watching this flick, Colin Mochrie, of Whose Line Is It Anyway fame, will at the very least entertain you for the short five minutes he’s onscreen. I suggest you wait a few months and rent it – you’ll need that fast-forward button.