Instant Ramen: The quintessential Asian dish that has broken through international borders and is consumed in high quantities wherever there’s tuition costs and hangovers. It’s our version of Kraft Dinner, of Chef Boyardee, but with one big difference: ramen doesn’t taste like shit.

Everyone has their own custom formula: some add dumplings, some stir-fry and those crazy Japanese even mix it with the pubic hair of a 15-year old virgin. We took eight risky recipes, 30 packs of Sapporo Ichiban and 15 brave Taste Testers who were willing to annihilate their taste buds so that you, my faithful readers, may scintillate yours.

Special thanks to Matt Fischer’s Ramen Database which can be found here.

Dish One: Ramen Stroganoff
As it was the first dish to be brought out, our sissy Taste Testers were unwilling to take a sample unless I did so first. The general consensus was that it looked like dog vomit, but was surprisingly tasty. The sour cream added a very unique flavour that just ever-so-slightly nuzzled the taste buds – not unlike the subtle sensation of getting your asshole licked.

“Gross mush at first, but it kind of grew on me.”
“The sour cream and cream cheese is really good! Like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited, especially hookers!”
“Tastes like Kirby's ass. Doesn't look visually appealing, but once you get over the looks, it's actually quite good.”
“It tastes a lot better than it looks but that's not saying much. The taste grows on you after awhile, kinda like YOUR MOM!”

Average Rating: 7.5

Dish Two: Tuna Casserole Ramen

One of the more complicated dishes to create that required the most ingredients, but was definitely one of the bigger hits of the night. The crusty stuffing lent a unique texture juxtaposed with the slippery noodles, and the tuna aroma conjured up warm memories of a past girlfriend. Baking ramen was something that’d never crossed our minds so it made for a fun and interesting experiment. Baking Cocker Spaniels, now that’s more my thing.

“Maybe if you excluded the stuffing it would’ve been more edible.”
“A very good and filling meal with a nice mix of flavours.”
“Why oh why did someone put a toilet puck in with this dish.”
“Would’ve been better with chicken breasts, or maybe just breasts.”
“The stuffing could use some moisture – it’s a little dry. Noodles were quite tasty…like YOUR MOM!”

Average Rating: 8

Dish Three: Ramen & Eggs
Basically ramen and scrambled eggs, topped with a jar of spaghetti sauce. If it had been just the ramen and eggs, or the ramen and tomato sauce, it would’ve made for a fine meal. Mixing the three, however, was like mixing Asian women with driving – utter fucking chaos. The end result was a pot of brownish red mush that I would imagine placenta looks like. Kirby ate it up like it was, well, placenta.

“Hey guys, this is good – it tastes just like placenta!”
“Tastes like shit, I need to wash my mouth out with soap and feet.”
“The most disgusting concoction ever!”
“Kinda tastes like spaghetti. But not tomato-y. And not pasta-y. And not beef-y. Oh wait. It doesn't taste like spaghetti, it tastes like YOUR MOM!”

Average Rating: 4.5

Dish Four: Spicy Chicken & Ramen Stir Fry
This recipe was a little modified from the original, as I accidentally dumped a shitload of garlic into the pot. To cover up the horrid taste, I dumped in enough sarachi sauce to burn a hole through your rectum, as well as Tabasco, chili peppers and barbeque sauce. Then I added “Spicy” to the name and fed the mooching bastards. Because of the high Korean percentage of Taste Testers, the harsh, spicy flavour was gold; the Chinese people asked for water and grated human fetus toppings.

“Good spiciness! Though it would be better with Korean ramen (Shin)”
“So good that I was fully concentrating on the food. I even stopped undressing Alex with my eyes…ok, I was still kind of undressing him.”
“Needs more spice and a side of kimchee.”
“Not bad, very good. Fuck it I’m getting tired. YOUR MOM!”

Average Rating: 7.5

Dish Five: Ramen Burritos
By now our faithful Taste Testers were starving for more delectable creations after the first four recipes weren’t so bad. To wake the fat bastards up from their restful sloth, I brought out this bad mamma jamma -- by far the most disgusting dish of the night. Whoever formulated this recipe was definitely high and had the extreme munchies, or was Filipino. Feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, I attempted to alleviate their pain by bringing out a jar of pickled chili peppers for them to dip into and popped a porn into the VCR.

“Why would you do this to me? Why do you hate me so?”
“If the tortilla was toasted I might’ve given it a 5.”
“Don't like soggy in my mouth. But the porn’s good!”
“I’d rather put a cock in my mouth---is that gay?”
“All the flavour of Mexican food with (hopefully) none of the runs!”

Average Rating: 3.5

Dish Six: Ramen Cordon Bleu
After throwing out most of the burritos (take that, starving Third World children!) we moved onto a “safe” dish, one that most people were anticipating when they snuck a peek at the recipe list and my crotch. Though it looked like the stuff that Jeff Goldblum barfed all over that trucker’s hand in The Fly, it was absolutely delicious much thanks to the homemade Alfredo sauce and the sautéed strips of corned beef.

“Pretty good, just like an Alfredo dish.”
“This is way better than some of the other crap they fed us.”
“Seriously, those burritos were fucking awful. Why do you hate me so?”
“Chicken was dry, but the Alfredo sauce was sexually stimulating and a turn-on. I mean it was tasty.”
“The chicken’s stiffer than me when I’m looking at Daphne’s ass -- like right now!”

Average Rating: 8

Dish Seven: Ramen Chili
Stellar homemade chili, made with a shitload of sarachi, was the key ingredient to the blinding success of this recipe. Though it was the highest rated of all the dishes, there may be a matter of disqualification since everyone took the fucking ramen out of their portions and raided the fridge for bread to dip with. No amount of lecturing would convince them to eat the meal intact for the sake of the Taste Test, as they all insisted they were “really hungry, just let me have one fucking bowl of something decent to eat,” Sissies.

“Hey guys, it’s good if you take the ramen out!”
“This chili’s damn tasty, especially without the ramen!”
“Tastes really, really good with bread! And without the ramen.”
“I’d so make this meal every week, though not with the ramen.”

Average Rating: 9

Dish Eight: Chocolate Dessert Ramen
Dark chocolate was melted over two cubes of raw ramen and placed in the freezer overnight. The next day, Jamaican rum was poured on top in an effort to flambé it, which didn’t work. A handful of brave souls broke off chunks anyway, and shockingly, the texture of the ramen seemed to add to the chocolate, making one kick ass dessert. Then, because we had promised an unsafe open fire on a wooden coffee table, we drenched the fucker in lighter fluid and lit up the room for shits and giggles.

”It’s pretty good, actually. And the ramen is a good substitute for nuts.”
“It’d probably taste better with the lighter fluid.”
“Pouring rum on it was a good idea. It really added flavour that I could enjoy. You know what would’ve been better though? Vagina.”
“You guys are so stupid. This whole day was a waste of fucking time. I’m going home.”

Average Rating: 7